Kevin Patterson (pattersonphoto) wrote,
Kevin Patterson

Lost Canyon Wash Skit submission for FFNL

Lost Canyon Wash Open Mic Comedy Skit

(Submission for Mike Little show. I am thinking Shawn Robinson as Mountain Man, and Mike Little as Narrator. )

Scene: A Long Mountain Man is on the side of the stage, using a mic to address an empty room. The scene starts with him talking and laughing, but silently so audience can hear the Narrator. Narrator is in formal wear, think intro of Twilight Zone style.

“In a small single -room cabin deep within the woods of Colorado a Remember Ruby Ridge” poster hangs over the toilet, a typewriter sits at a cluttered desk, a giant map of the US electrical grid covers one whole wall, a microphone plugs into a small amplier. And a lone man addesses the room.

Henry Barnes:
“Welcome to the Lost Canyon Wash Open Mic. We are so glad you could make it through the snow, deep woods and bear traps to be here tonight. We have some great comics in the room, so without further ado let me invite our first comic, Henry Barnes!”
(Henry runs from mic to side of room and smiles to the audience, he runs to back to the stage.)

Henry Barnes:
“Thanks. So beans huh? Who here is sick of canned beans? I still have beans from Y2K. Huh, Who is with me? Wow, tough crowd that last joke bombed like the post office.”
(Henry runs into audience and laughs deeply for a while, he runs back to stage and picks up again.)

“So how many members of the Illuminati does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the pentagon does it for them. Zing!”

A man pinned to the fringes of society, Henry Barnes yearns for love and company. They say laughter is the best medicine, so Henry turns to comedy to ease the suffering, as well as to give voices to the voices in his head.”

Henry Barnes:
How many FBI agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows because they keep shooting first and asking questions later. BaBling!

How many aliens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one but it takes three to probe an asshole. Hello!

So the Census, huh? The other day a census worker made it through my bear traps and knocked on my door. They said I want to be counted.

(Henry runs into audience and Yells, "They can count this!". Henry runs back to stage.)

Thats what I am saying. I told him I had already mailed in my form during my monthly anthrax mailing. Huuuuhahhhh! (Marine yell)

Driven to utter madness and isolation, the kind of loneliness that would break the spirits among the strongest amongst us, Henry Barnes whittles away the nights in his lone Colorado cabin, the citizens of the valley below say on quiet nights you can still hear the deranged laughter of the uni-comic.

Henry Barnes:
Al right, well thanks you people have been great. If you see any ATF agents tell them Henry Barnes sent you!

(Lights out)
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